After taking 2 very long weeks off for this special time of year. I realized there were a few things I learned. So I thought y'all might benefit from learning yourselves.
Things I learned on Winter Holidays:
1. When my parents got a new dog I suffered from a severe case of sibling rivalry.
2. December is the month I decide to ruin myself, then I spend 8 months after that in a remorseful comatose of self loathing and depression.
3. As soon as I do not have to blog I have a bazillion great ideas.
4. Despite my objections- I did in fact want something sparkly for Christmas.
5. Not having an outburst outlet, means I burst out.
6. I miss making up inside jokes.
7. A New Year's resolution may start a few days late cuz you have left overs from Christmas that would be a shame to waste.
8. I am easily convinced that sitting around eating bon-bons is hard work.
9. A box of Ferreros that costs $5.99 seems appropriate to eat in one sitting.
10. Window shopping is recommended while wrapped in winter layers. Otherwise anticipate breaking a pig in a blanket sweat.
11. A musical revolution over 200 years old can still bring me to tears.
12. January is a strange month for weather and behaviour.
13. There should be a special Oscar category for CGI or motion capture actors & tigers
14. Family is a bountiful source for blog fodder.
15. I really like spending time with Jilly. She's truly the bestest tinker.
16. My trio's tradition of doing mini Christmas before we part for the season is a great way to ease into the holiday hubbub and bally-hoo!
17. There's something special about a new snow fall, especially the white fluffy floaty ones.
18. There are worse people I could be than myself.
19. Turkey+time =toots
20. Keeping a New Year's resolution is tough if you don't really want to.
21. Pig is a delicious animal.
22. Being a meat eater is not for me. how can I love one and eat the other?
23. Christmas carols late at night on Christmas Eve in the church I grew up in makes me cry, then laugh until I start crying again.
24. I am lucky to love my family as much as I do.
25. Even though Hubby says he only likes black athletic socks, a new pair of purple argyles really bring out his personality.
26. People should stop bullying Justin Bieber, he's a good boy.
27. Being the loudest person in the room means I should probably try listening.
28. I can still remember all the dirty/made up lyrics for most of my fav childhood Xmas songs.
29. I enjoy being happy and jolly. But other people tend to be annoyed/overwhelmed/intimidated by the level of my enthusiasm.
30. A Christmas threat becomes empty if you beg your Momma for the 90 piece nativity set and ceramic tree.
31. My favourite parts of returning to work after the holidays are the hugs and New Year's well wishes. I would like that type of reception all the live long year.
This is not the entire list, but I worry that too many lists that are too long- can wear out my welcome- and I want to be welcomed until my next holiday:) Here's to you and yours! I hope you had the most magical of Christmas times. I hope that Santa was good to you! And that all your New Year's resolutions are on track. Or at least at the train station.
This is that very special time of year when the phrase you hear most is "We should get together!". And in most cases we do. Every weekend and evening jammed packed with travelling, talking, catching up and Christmas carols. Oh and don't forget an extra special visit with Sandy Clause, cuz I didn't write a letter this year, and my list is long. Now, every year is the same thing. Keeping up appearances at a break neck speed for the first 2 weeks, then all of a sudden you realize: You've only been sleeping 4 hours a night and between work and play you're all booked up 'til Xmas Eve and solid through to Boxing Day. Well, Honey, I am here to tell you, we are in the final week. The countdown to downtime has begun. And baby, oh baby, I'm thinking Turkey and Gravy, which is strange, cuz I usually don't eat meat.
This has been a long month for me so far. Filled with parties, pub crawls, public appearances & double shifts. Bringing with it good and bad. Rampant with tiny bad luck spurts. If you've been following along, some of this is old news. I have lost my sentimental mittens; made for me by my Momma's BFF to match my toque and winter coat. I dropped myPhone into the toilet; but it's sorta back to normal. My watch strap snapped. I've bruised my elbow, badly. I have fallen down once or twice. I've strained my muscles by pushing myself at the gym so I can eat whatever I want during this holiday's never ending buffet circuit. But there have also been tiny rays of Daylight saving grace. I've hugged and been hugged by so many people that I love. There has been dancing, oh so much, that the earth moved. Dance parties, dance off, dancing myself right into a neck brace. Oh! and wine. I have had a lot of wine, beer, vodka and it has put me into the Spirit... though it's a good thing that I have spread it out over a month. I haven't gained weight (yet) and am still on target for my New Year's goals. As the next weigh in is Dec 31, apropos of a typical predictable New Year's Resolution. So, I have endured a lot of 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, turn around touch the ground. But treading water while giving and receiving with people you love, ain't too shabby.
This time of year is always a mad dash. There is social pressure to be the best person this very special time of the year. But it's always a scramble to the finish line. Breathe deeply, we're almost there. Online gifts must be ordered by now. Last minute mall sprawls for those special add on items. Stocking stuffings stuffed into sacs and stored safely. Baking and basting almost ready. And soon the holiday parties will slow, and the family dinners will start. So, dear readers as we gain momentum on this holiday juggernaut I remind you that we are 7 days from the big one and then (fingers crossed) we'll be able to settle down for a long winter's nap. Hopefully. I do wish that we could keep Christmas with us all through the year, though I don't think I could afford it- financially, emotionally or sentimentally.
You have high blood pressure, you need to lower your cholesterol, try a no sodium diet. It's like you spend your childhood being told not to eat candy, cake and french fries. Then you grow up and your doctor says don't eat candy, cake and french fries. Well, then why do they even exist? Pure torture. Tempting devils (food cake) that ruin my mind and body. Walking across the city I can smell the grease and fire smoked goodness wafting out onto the street. Teasing my nose with those tantalizing fingers of smell. While undertaking the Starving Artist I have been trying to up my game. Sadly, I am now at the point where I want anything but those crisp and delicious veggies, followed by a cool glass of spring water. I want some garbage.
Hubby and I consider ourselves foodies. Though not the culinary adventure type Foodie, we're more a "Find your favourite and only ever order from there" kinda Foodie. If you want something, we know where to get it. We know what we consider to be the best place for that particular dish. We are open to exploring new places; brunches being the preferred time slot. The comfort of eggs accompanied by coffee and booze. The glamour of dinner in the light of day. Brunch is also way more affordable. And it's the closet you can get to having all the food groups in one meal. But having a partner who loves eating well and tasting good things, while I am on a plan is: Terrible. I am following a health and wellness plan to strengthen myself. But he's just as tempting as those city smells and what's worse, he knows my weaknesses.
So, in an effort to find a happy medium after a night of pizza and beer. I am nibbling on celery. Eating natural peanut butter on 86 grain bread. I am drinking a Delta (Burke) of water. Exercise and clean living. Who would've thought they'd be equal parts great and awful at the very same time. I am not really sure how people become obsessed... but then it could also be my view from here. My gym is on P1, the pool is not even a whole lap, the weather has been spitty and sharp. My dog hair covered floor, the guy at the pool with the heel cracks, my tank top that rides up over my muffin top. These are the things I see when I am sweating. Now, after working out on a Sunday, I am stretching, hoping that one day I'll look into the mirror, at the gym, the studio, in the change room or my bathroom and finally see a girl I am proud to be. The girl my Hubby sees. Plus I would like to get rid of my high blood pressure; the flush is really not a good colour for me.
The adage goes that you are what you eat. Well, I don't remember eating a heaping helping of passive agressive with a steaming side of sad-sack. This whole eating well thing is getting me down. I mean; Hey Ms. Craig, while I've been watching weight, and I couldn't help but notice, I have no idea who you are. I know Jennifer Hudson, Valerie Bertinelli and Kirstie Alley have all benefited from the meal plan mentality, even if only temporarily. But what do I look like a rich and influential spokesperson? (Which I could be if you wanted*insert gleaming smile ting) I can't afford to spend $15 a meal for $6.40 worth of food. And Dr. Bernstein you silver haired slim Jim, you've been around since fat people were invented. But those vitamin B shots are more expensive than Jenny, though I guess you save on the cost of food, cuz you don't buy any. I can't afford your fancy programs! So, here's my plan. Back to basics. Cut out dairy and simple carbs. On the upside, I am allowed as many veggies as I want. But really how many veggies can any one person truly want?
I have been trying to quit meat. With the exception of fish and local organic chicken and this past weekend which went entirely off the rockers. Going out on the road, I ate everything but the pig, with whom I was too busy commiserating our similar silhouettes, though his skin was better. Desperately searching for other sources of protein has me subbing in beans and chickpeas at every meal. Now, all those veggies are delicious. Low in fat. Fibrous and filling. But they also bloat me. It's not the same as the 3 day meatloaf bloat. But the musical fruit has definitely been busy composing, if you catch my whiff. Creating a strange alternate reality where I out toot- Hubby-the-Toots-Magoots...a strange and scary place, don't leave me alone in here.*insert gesture to my head.
With the increase of my physical activity and the slowly but steadily declining junk food intake I am hoping to see results. Not drastic ones, but the slow and steady tortoise kind of results. And am eager to post them for y'all. I am excited to be the change I want to see in the mirror. The greatest motivator? I found a clothing store that is perfect for ME! I mean perfect: A little bit vintage and lot amazing. But knowing it would be a waste to buy anything at this current size, cuz in a couple months I would have to get it altered- fingers crossed. And that if I reach my goal Hubby Warbucks will hopefully, pretty please with a cherry on top reward me. (You smell what I'm cooking Hubby?) Oh and as for this meal plan, I think it really can work! After a bunch of steamed broccoli with nothing except Toronto spice and 4 mini roasted potatoes. I had myself a tight and tidy one pan dinner. Full, happy and proud; I congratulated myself. Then promptly ate a butter tart.*headshake Well, if I am going to become what I eat, maybe I should start eating more awesome-sauce on wicked sticks and a slice of magic for dessert. Mmmmagic.
While eating midnight tacos and splitting a Coke with my Hubby the pros and cons of eating vegetarian came up again. Pros: I feel better, I look better, it's better for the environment. Cons: Bacon is delicious, I miss bacon.
We are foodies by definition, though I wish we had more time to cook for ourselves. Hubby is an especially great cook. He makes a mean spaghetti and a brilliant egg breakfast. His sautéing skills have really blossomed. While enthralled in a conversation about our favourite foods, currently mine is Saag Paneer roti and Mexican, and stuffing our faces we stumbled upon a common question: What would you want for your last meal? Which brought up another question: If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life what would it be? Which brought up another question: Is there a food that you would erase from the face of the Earth? Today at long last all these questions will be answered, please read on.
Last meal
This is what you would choose if it was the last meal of your life. You may not be on death row cuz my impulse tells me I don't have a lot of inmates or future convicts in my readership but it's always good to be prepared. As it's my last meal, and I won't have to deal with the consequences. I will be having:
Steak Tartare with toast corners.
Kitchen sink salad- a salad I made up with loads of veggies on an arugula/Boston lettuce base with a light lime vinaigrette.
Roasted fingerling potatoes with ancient grainy mustard.
Rainbow chard with garlic and lemon oil.
Prime rib with Horseradish. Mmm hmmm
And for dessert? Lemon meringue or Pavlova with fresh fruit- I say OR because both of those desserts are a challenge to get the foam just right. And perhaps something outside the standard jailhouse fare.
For the rest of your life
This category is for when you get trapped on a desert island with only one thing to eat. Crates and crates of the same thing. This example also exists in a world where you don't need all those fancy vitamins and minerals to have a happy healthy life. This desert island is a utopia despite the fact that you only get one meal forever. So, with all that in mind, ideally I would like a taster platter with avocado, New Brunswick smoked salmon, sliced Ontario field tomatoes, red onion, spicy dills, toast corner and capers. But if you're playing this game with a purist like my Hubby, you must pick one thing... That's tougher. He chose protein shakes- yuck. For my crates and crates of one type of food to live on for the rest of my life: I might say Chex Mix because it's savoury and salty. It has many different textures and reminds me of all the things I've left behind to live on this lonely utopian island. Or I might say Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a sweet and crunchy meal- but would it include milk? I guess I'll have to wait until I am shipwrecked to find out.
Banished
This one was simple: Cream of turkey. A white gloppy nearly gravy gross not quite soup. My Papa B used to eat open faced white bread sandwiches for weeks after Thanksgiving or any other turkey serving holiday. Cream of turkey might be the reason I became predominantly herbivore. That plus the movie Babe. Who could eat ham after hearing that little stinker sing?
A good life deserves good food. That's an emotionally scientific fact. Delicious meals can release all sorts of great things into your body. You know how they say all you need is love? Well, all I really need is a personal chef with a fully stocked pantry. And barring that a credit card with an available balance and some strategic reservations.
On my last trip home, 3/4 my parentals mentioned Jilly looked fat. But what this neurotic girl heard was: We said your dog looks fat, but what I really want to say is YOU, Melicious are a fat. A fatty fatty fat pants and even those are too tight. Since the wedding I have gained weight. But I can't stop eating. I mean it, I sit and think about food. If I am not spitting words out, I am shoving food in. This blog is sorta like talking but I've taught myself to type one handed... For many reasons*insert nervous collar pull. The worst part? My loving Hubby and my brand new saddle bags remind me- I'm not 20 anymore. Which in and of itself is a problem, I've just gotten a handle on being 29 and it's my first year of being 30! Roddammit. What do they say? A year late and a holler short? Alright nobody says that.
I have never been a slim person. When I got super stressed out last year planning a wedding to my Hubby (who else) I lost weight all year. It fell off, mostly too quickly, mostly because I wasn't eating anything but fingernails and biting my lip. Oh and booze, every weekend there was a party, for me or Hubby or both. I wasn't planning on losing all that weight. I just didn't think to slot eating into my schedule. Oh boy, did I get compliments. I still had pale untoned arms, but the untone had a much smaller sense of motion. Now, I am more like a flapping pterodactyl, but they're extinct right? Perhaps I am the missing link. Let's not even bring up the bottom half. Okay, in the spirit of journalistic transparency. It's big, it's a big problem. A big, wide, spreading butt with no joke. It's like the Monster Cheese. As we know I exaggerate, which literally means misrepresent as being bigger; convenient but not entirely untrue. The biggest problem isn't just that I've been eating. It's that I also eat the wrong things. Take Mae West snack cakes for example. A golden cake with white icing (icing: a fancy word for sugar paste) wrapped in a sweet chocolate embrace. Mae West is a trampy grown up version of little Debbie, taunting me from the box in her pin up pose, laughing at me. And her cakes hurt my teeth but I love them. So I eat them, in packs of 8 over a week and 2 days... But I feel guilty. I feel guilty and that b*%$h Mae just keeps smiling at me wearing a skimpy outfit. If there is one thing that the film industry has taught me it's that advertising and reality are often worlds apart- Mae West has never eaten one of her disgustingly delicious cakes. Surviving on a strict diet of cotton balls, two finger sandwiches and self loathing. Also, she might have a slight advantage being a cartoon.
PS this may have also caused this On the edge of my seat, hanging by a thread
Strawberry jam, hand-sewn quilts and tea & sandwiches for 150. Nobody does it like the Church Ladies. They are a special group who've known you since you were this high*indicating just higher than their knee. They know your family, they know your history and they remember the funny things you did in the Christmas Pageant when your dream of acting was ignited, cast in the starring role of Mary of Nazareth, with a baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes. Church ladies work together, they pickle and can and stitch, they take care. I grew up watching women bustle around a commercial kitchen with pots, no vats of chilli slow cooking on the stove as one chops, one rinses, one pulls out fresh baking from the oven, surrounded by the smells of homemade love. These women have always been ladies, their penmanship is exquisite with the cursive letters leaning to the right, gracefully connecting one thought to the next.
For my wedding shower these women who've watched me grow up threw me a church basement party. Which is exactly what I wanted. I wanted church lady sandwiches- egg salad, deviled ham and canned salmon, 'cuz there is nothing like a church lady sandwich. I wanted mismatched tea cups that had been bestowed by members of the congregation who had passed away. I wanted fresh made pie with lard crust. I wanted it to feel like all the showers I had attended my whole life. A symbol to the world I was growing up, that I was graduating from one stage of life to the next.
The church lady is a dying breed, both literally and figuratively. These women put the mass before the individual. They donate their time and wares (jams, pies or quilts) to support their beliefs and each other. Though the word feminist isn't typically associated with a church lady, they are. They prove that a group of strong women can create, laud and honour themselves. Taking pride in the knowledge that they are making a difference. I have always known these women as a selfless group, giving to others with food and merriment. Nurturing a sense of belonging. In this time when our lives are being torn between PVR, work commutes and general selfishness we would be smart to take a lesson from them. By pulling together we are stronger, and the pulling is a lot easier.
For me, I wish it wasn't a forgotten group as there is nothing better than fresh homemade jam. The lessons they teach each other are invaluable. And my favourite wedding shower card quote: Men require a lady in the kitchen and a Tiger in the bedroom. Thank you Church Ladies, I wish there were more like you.
Today's hot topic is implied value. "Wha? What's that you ask?" Whoa gun-jumper, let me tell you....
Implied values are the "special" rates that Groupon offers or the "Prix Fixe" of Winterlicious/Summerlicious/every-other-possible-licious, except Melicious of course:)
First the Groupon:
These spas, resorts and all vendors in general are approached by a company- Dealfind, WagJag, Groupon etc... and asked to offer goods or services at a discounted rate. A discount of 50% or more to members who subscribe to their Coupon-ing services... So they want a full brazilian wax- not an inside leg lame one strip waxing, or perhaps they want a .5 carat pair of zirconium earrings, maybe a trip to Bermuda to sleep in a plane in a tree for 3 nights with dinner included. These are bargain basement prices on occasionally decent items...depending on what rings your bell. What you don't know is that of the slashed-everything-must-go-price-tag only 50% goes to the actual spa or resort. So when you look at it as a business model it's really all about generating a new client base.
Second the Winterliciou/Everything-licious epidemic
These restaurants apply for the honour of being on the Winterlicious map, menu and website. They are given a price point between $20-35 for lunch, and $35-50 for dinner, and must provide a prix fixe menu with multiple options for app, main and dessert. Again these prices may not reflect the actual cost, it is a promotion used as a tool to stimulate a new clientele.
So, where do they go so wrong?
Oh right, by taking it out on the customer bending them over, taking out their ladles and....oh wait, that's the graphic (graphic, but not images) novel I am working on... That's right, the staff bad mouth us as cheap, US, how very dare they. Trying their services or meals or whatever with a coupon, a GD coupon they agreed to! (mid-sentence exclamation means business) and they rip us off. Small portions, rushed dry food, plunked onto tables, no cares as to which lips you're getting waxed or where you're bleeding. As a business owner (I am currently CEO of this Website) I would suggest add-ons at the store level, I mean hello? Resorts could offer breakfast in bed with their local movie star? OR a spa could ask if you wanted that huge blackhead dealt with or if you just wanted to keep walking around like that. Not so hard, be innovative, I want to want to come back, but I am not going to with these shenanigans, strong words but I think you understand. You sold a full body massage, facial and manicure for 55 cents, that's not my fault. And even though it is a hell of a deal, just do it right would'ya? Don't you want me to come back and pay full price? Wouldn't you like me to tell my friends how great your Steak Tartare is? Cause I have a huge mouth and big neck, with a lot of breath support from my genetically modified lungs. I can dish with the best of them, I just wish you could too.
 Well hello there, do you like desserts? Have you heard of Cherpumple?
It is a (top to bottom) Apple Pie in a yellow cake mix, Cherry Pie in a white cake mix & Pumpkin Pie in a spice cake mix. A moment of melt-down, if you will.
This fiasco of fantastic culinary fusion unites the long feuding Cake with Pie. While watching a heated debate erupt betweem the two sides on twitter this article was posted by another fan of choosing all of the above. What a wonderful world it really must be if these two enemies can put their differences aside for the sake of all dessert kind. My chef's hat is off to you, could I have one delivered to my house? Yowsa! Does it come with pant extenders and a skinny mirror?
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