You have high blood pressure, you need to lower your cholesterol, try a no sodium diet. It's like you spend your childhood being told not to eat candy, cake and french fries. Then you grow up and your doctor says don't eat candy, cake and french fries. Well, then why do they even exist? Pure torture. Tempting devils (food cake) that ruin my mind and body. Walking across the city I can smell the grease and fire smoked goodness wafting out onto the street. Teasing my nose with those tantalizing fingers of smell. While undertaking the Starving Artist I have been trying to up my game. Sadly, I am now at the point where I want anything but those crisp and delicious veggies, followed by a cool glass of spring water. I want some garbage.
Hubby and I consider ourselves foodies. Though not the culinary adventure type Foodie, we're more a "Find your favourite and only ever order from there" kinda Foodie. If you want something, we know where to get it. We know what we consider to be the best place for that particular dish. We are open to exploring new places; brunches being the preferred time slot. The comfort of eggs accompanied by coffee and booze. The glamour of dinner in the light of day. Brunch is also way more affordable. And it's the closet you can get to having all the food groups in one meal. But having a partner who loves eating well and tasting good things, while I am on a plan is: Terrible. I am following a health and wellness plan to strengthen myself. But he's just as tempting as those city smells and what's worse, he knows my weaknesses.
So, in an effort to find a happy medium after a night of pizza and beer. I am nibbling on celery. Eating natural peanut butter on 86 grain bread. I am drinking a Delta (Burke) of water. Exercise and clean living. Who would've thought they'd be equal parts great and awful at the very same time. I am not really sure how people become obsessed... but then it could also be my view from here. My gym is on P1, the pool is not even a whole lap, the weather has been spitty and sharp. My dog hair covered floor, the guy at the pool with the heel cracks, my tank top that rides up over my muffin top. These are the things I see when I am sweating. Now, after working out on a Sunday, I am stretching, hoping that one day I'll look into the mirror, at the gym, the studio, in the change room or my bathroom and finally see a girl I am proud to be. The girl my Hubby sees. Plus I would like to get rid of my high blood pressure; the flush is really not a good colour for me.
Hurricane Sandy is expected to make landfall late Monday night or early Tuesday morning. But we won't know her full affect until Wednesday. Now Ontario has already been dealing with a peer pressure system of it's own and the dire combination could, apparently, be just that. Winds could hit highs of 150 km/h in some areas. That's like a bajillion times faster than the average sexy hair toss. Waves on the Great Lakes could be five to seven metres high. Or maybe even as high as a million mouse boats. It's not a good time to be a worst case scenario Sally or a Debbie downright awful. So, how does one prepare for being without power? In a flooded home? I am not sure actually. Plus weather like this really blows my mind.
Now, those of you who know me, know me to be a teeny bit high strung. A worry wart. Obsessive even. But for some reason, I am not one who worries about a little bit of weather. That's probably because a snow storm seems a more likely Ontario disaster than a hurricane blowing in off the coast. It's not the big problems I am nervous about it's getting to and from work safely- cuz people aren't at their best when they're panicked. Kevin forbid the film industry take a day off- as they say the show must go On! And as fun as being sent home early from work might be...it has a tendency to bring out irrational behaviour. Including but not limited to: purchase of multiple 72 hour emergency kits, stockpiling water, barricading windows, weird FB updates and waterproofing personal belongings. I am also expecting to hear a few Mayan calendar conversations. Predictions of the future and our impending doom. Nastradamus and whatnot. Panic effects people very differently, but most of it's irrational. Except the panic that I've lost my smartphone, that's totally rational.
Uncertain times call for certain adventures. I am planning on packing items together so I know where to find them, if I wake up in the dark. Placing a flashlight next to my bed, just in case. I am also trying to eat the contents of my freezer- for if the power fails- it's bye bye fish sticks. All in all I'm sad this possible disaster is wind and water. I was kinda hoping the apocalypse would be of the Zombie variety. And that the day after tomorrow would be a new start for those of us wiry enough to plan for an undead invasion. Though if you ask someone who uses the Mayan calendar, you'd know the apocolypse isn't 'til December. So, for now, even though the weather blows, I guess we'll just have to soak it up. Hurricane Sandy wants to keep us on our toes, even if they are soaking wet.
* Red Cross urges people in the storm’s path to have supplies ready in case hydro power is out for up to 72 hours.
It has been so long since I've had a vacation... a really real vacation. I have gone on trips to my parents, day trips down or up to the beach and hung out in Montreal. But I haven't had 2 weeks solid of days and nights off...With no strings attached and a few bonus days with Hubby gone up north. I really woke myself up! And I learned quite a bit.
1. Putting a ribbon on something doesn't make it a gift.
2. No plan-plans are the easiest and most satisfying plans to attend.
3. Anything is appropriate wardrobe if it's THAT hot out.
4. Buns are great if I wanna look like a ballerina without an eating disorder.
5. Lucy positions herself so that as I pet her the fan blows her loose hair back in my face. She's tricky like that.
6. I remembered how to scream. But once you've lost your voice it won't come back if you keep screaming.
7. Not every selfless act is free.
8. Taking a gamble with thirty percent chance of thunderstorms is like betting against the dealer.
9. Kids are cute until they make that face and explode from both ends.
10. Jogging when the humid ex is high is like trying to breath underwater.
11. James Bond is hot. And if Beckham were James Bond there would be way more kicking.
12. Obsession is something most people should keep to themselves. Or limit to 2 hours per visit.
13. Don't start a conversation with the Commissioner unless you're prepared to be thoroughly tongue lashed for your insolence.
14. Cuban food rocks.
15. BFFs exist for all the great-big-fun and fabulous reasons.
16. Peeing in the pool is acceptable if you're laughing that hard.
17. Karaoke is supposed to be songs everyone knows. Singing- scratch that- screaming along is part of the fun.
18. If your Hubby recognizes the smell of your fart, he'll sell you out; just to make friends.
19. White wine can make you fell like falling or like flying depending on the region of the grapes.
20. A drive-in is the perfect place for 2 girls to talk through a movie.
21. Puppa will always wait until you're close enough to benefit from a good shake.
22. Drunk men will try and proposition you because you have a dog. Having a dog means having a place nearby; so they don't have to drive back home to Kitchener.
23. Sometimes the most interesting looking people talk about some lame stuff. (ie: Egg salad or bandanas)
24. I want to ride the boat around the channel past the drive-in. I don't know what it's called or who owns it, or if they even take passengers, but I want to.
25. I forgot how much I loved high kicking.
26. Jilly doesn't stomp at me when she's hungry, she just stares and puppy sighs as though I should just get it, because I am her Momma.
27. Being a single Puppy-Momma isn't hard if you have a part-time nanny.
28. Slumber parties rock.
29. I can sweat while eating brunch, so that when I get up the pool drips down the back of my dress and puddles on to the seat.
30. Caribana is not as loud in a backyard swimming pool.
31. Meat is not my friend. Unless it's still alive, in which case I will pet it and we will become friends.
32. My Hubby isn't happy with only boys around, but the way he smells I don't think girls would be happy around him either.
33. The 4 storey hole in my backyard is a muddy and green pond...which is kinda Zen.
34. There is a family of 3 mini-city bred skunks lurking in my neighbourhood. There is a turf war brewing.
35. The barometer is a tool of torture.
36. Pickle sandwiches don't exist for a reason.
37. You can get 2 weeks out of a pedicure if you walk on sand.
38. The Olympics aren't fun until we get to the medal rounds; just like every other sporting event.
39. Lemon juice is not a hair product, it's an urban wives tale. Just like not being able to swim at Toronto beaches.
40. Roller coasters are a great source of tension. There should be more movies about them, though I imagine they'd be shorts.
41. My Baby Belle sounds better singing happy tunes, and happiest while playing the Disney library.
42. It's easier to encapsulate and optimize your time in the city- the close proximity allows for entertainment leap frogging.
43. Secret codes are hard to explain but helpful to have... Even if you're the only one who knows it.
44. Little Red Riding hood is a very clever little girl. But not every babysitter gets fridge privileges.
45. Music can come from anywhere, but that doesn't make it all good.
46. My arms tan, my chest tans, my stomach burns and my legs get patchy.
47. A facial can take 2 weeks to heal, and even then is still working hard.
48. My Puppa sleeps as close to me as possible, even if there is tonnes of room in bed.
49. Creating a cartoon series is harder than it looks.
50. Spending a rainy day watching an entire season on Netflix is worth the $7 a month.
51. Picking it just makes it worse.
By the time you relax, you're vacation is over. Which is sad- but I gotta say I was missing you. You know, missing this, US<3 and I am glad to have it back, though I do wish I was still floating around a pool or getting macro-dermabrasion at the beach, or bbqing with my Besties in the backyard... But maybe, just maybe, if I work hard and try hard and hope, I can still do it on the weekends... Oh right, weekends are for doing what you want... Silly me. And I will keep doing it, you can bet on that. Welcome back and happy Tuesday of the August long weekend. I am glad to see ya!
I don't know if you've heard, but we're having a heatwave. You can't go anywhere without people talking about it. Complaining- half heartedly. Only to correct each other with: "You'll miss this is November." At 6am while walking my Puppa stink I ran into my neighbour. We both smelled clean but looked wet. Crossing our collective fingers hoping today was a sweeter day. Knowing that soon we'd both be soggy again.
It's so hot that even my 12-step skincare regime isn't enough. I have to add 8 layers of sunscreen and another step of anti aging cream. The sun and heat are wearing my skin out. My hands are like crocodiles and my midsection is a haunting pasty white; bordered with irregular tan lines. My nails won't grow. My hair feels like a blanket laden with sweat. I've removed all my jewelry, I just don't want it touching me. All the city's women clad in sundresses and breezy fabrics; ponytails piled high on their heads.
On Saturday the sun came out after the spitting rain stopped. Not even close to the humidity cracking thunderstorm we we're promised. The storms we'd been begging for; the grass and trees needing it so badly. In heat like this everyone's looking for trouble. Men without shirts; hooting and hollering at the passing ladies. The Lakeshore blocked by high speed chasers and beer guzzlers. The sound of giant bumblebees without the sweetness of honey. People are restless and the animals are panting. It is hot. And were all trying to love it. Struggling through. Always uncomfortable, but it's Ontario weather, so what do we expect? When it gets like this our sports teams start loosing. The CFL, TFC and BJ's started their seasons well, now coming apart in the heat. My feet are swollen and I am bogged down and drippy. Trying to conserve energy, but ending up with none left anyway. Even Stephen. Six of one half dozen of the other. But man, it is hot!
All this aside, I needed an adventure. But this heat wears me out. It starts being comfortable outside close to 11pm, so you have to stay up that late just to go anywhere without sweating through your shirt. It's too dang hot. This past weekend I spent a lot of time on patios, in fan blown bars and the chilly A/C ofmy BBF. Hoping that I could find in some fun- and I did! My adventure started with a crosstown bike ride. The back roads were deserted; the streets we're open to a double wide lallygaging drift of a ride. All the stores I wanted to go to: Closed as though they forgot it was Saturday. So I settled for a bloody Marcy, a picker platter with smoked salmon and 'Baby it's cold outside' blaring from an ironic jukebox in 32 degree weather. The evening was catapulted by a flight of fancy; trying 9 new micro-brew beers. Suddenly, after way too much sun and beer came the invitation to my first ever penthouse- patio-party. A 2 floor condo with 2 bathrooms and 2 many people. Facing the CN tower and the lake. The city glimmering and calm. The temperature dipping and the breeze whispering through my hair. Finally a nice temperate adventure. Comfortable at last.
So, humidity and hops mix refreshingly well together. Turns out that by raising the adventure temperature, I managed to be hot and comfortable. Thanks Torontonians for keeping you're cool. But if there's a way we can swing it; I would like some of that rain I complained about earlier this summer:)
While riding up north in the backseat of yet another rammed car, I was beaned by a flying chess set in a metal box. While recovering from the shock; I started this list. And it must've been some bonk to the noggin. Cuz here's all the mental floss. So what I thought about this long weekend.
1. It's called a long weekend because that's how it feels- long.
2. That cottages are far from the city andr by the time you get there you've missed half a day.
3. Jilly is allergic to Puppy cupcakes. They transform her into a poltergeist shooting from both ends.
4. Air mattresses have a central vortex that acts like a black hole.
5. I forget how to write a blog.
6. Almost everyone on my side of the family writes.
7. A year is a long time to feel sorry about not saying you're sorry.
8. Going 8 games undefeated inflates an ego, priming it for popping. Even while playing lawn games.
9. Drunk people don't make much sense, if you're sober.
10. Bro finds immeasurable pleasure in saying the Eff-word in front of my religious relatives.
11. Turning 80 means never having to say thank you.
12. Jilly and her cousin Reese get along and share toys quite well. Except the teeny tennis balls that Jilly cracks like a walnut- splitting yellow fuzz and plastic everywhere.
13. Gin and club soda with lime is a great and classically thirst quenching beverage. Especially in a giant Coleman thermos.
14. When someone owes you $100 they make sure you give them the $5 they just lent you.
15. People pay attention to couples using their silent language.
16. Banana boat sunscreen smells like summertime.
17. I clean to show people I love them.
18. Jilly likes ice cubes and cauliflower.
19. You can lead a man to the shower but you can't be sure he'll come out clean.
20. Bluegrass is the best driving music, but Graceland is a very close second.
21. People like repeating stories. Especially if they got a laugh the first time.
22. Pontoon boats were invented for long weekends and dancing to Bryan Adams.
23. A weekend without a watch on is required every so often.
24. Bathing suits aren't designed to last for 6 years.
25. Packing light means leaving stuff behind. Even though you might need them later.
26. Even when BFF isn't there I feel the influence she's had on my life enjoyment level.
27. I need to Shining myself in a northern cottage for 2 months and write.
28. Swimming in a lake and making a joke about snapping turtles causes them to suddenly appear. Sending a gaggle of girls screaming and an Uncle yelling at us to be quiet.
29. Stargazing apps are wicked sticks.
30. A hot July is way better than a wet one. Mosquitos like to bite my bum.
31. I really like my new sister in law.
32. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day if your coffee has Bailey's.
33. A pavilion is a fancy way of saying concrete floor with roof.
34. Coolers should be see-through for efficiency sake.
35. If there's anything lovelier than queen Anne's lace I haven't found it.
36. Diving into a lake is nature's netti pot.
37. Traffic is terrible when you're between radio stations.
38. Bacon and eggers from A&W are worth every penny.
39. When a stat falls on a Sunday everything is closed and they take Monday too.
40. People want to show off their garden, even if their thumb is more brown than green.
41. Sunscreen makes clean hair look greasy.
42. Soy beans are a very popular crop for Ontario farmers this year.
43. If you're in a town with an asylum, expect to see crazy people.
44. Girls ask questions about boobs and laugh at farts.
45. One big zit provides fodder for a whole weekend worth of jokes.
46. KFC is the perfect picnic saver. Mayonnaise is essential for every summer salad.
47. 80 year olds love playing the piano without their hearing aids.
48. Orange hibiscus are beautiful in the overheated Camp grounds.
49. Most conversations with an 80 year start with; did you hear about -blank- they died.
50. A country Mommy will not tolerate 60 in an 80
51. Sometimes your journey takes you back to where you've started, and gives you a chance to start again.
52. You can make ice cubes out of anything- including oil, broth and milk
53. A dog tumor feels weird to accidentally run your hand over it.
54. Actors don't get vacation pay.
55. The winter wheat is ready for harvest.
56. You'll always get complimented on your old 'I only wear them at the cottage shoes'. My calluses get worse the more I wear these shoes.
57. Wearing dress with a strange neckline generates a strange tan line.
58. Puppa will strangle herself to escape the danger of fireworks.59. Being jammed into a full car is more fun than being alone in an empty one.
60. There is no place as comfy as your own bed. Except a five star hotel.
As always it is nice to be back, and starting up my routine of going to be at 10pm again. It's always amazing how I need a vacation after my vacation. I think I might be trying to pack in too much fun, but who complains about having too much fun? Oh wait. that's me:)
This past week when I received my mail, there was an ominous brown envelope with a bank logo in the corner. Usually, when I get one of these letters it is the bank congratulating me on my increased line of credit (which I need like a hole in the head), but this time.... Oh this time. This letter, with enclosed pamphlet details exactly how my bank fees are increasing. INCREASING? I am already paying $12.95 a month for the ability to use a debit card and for the bank to "take care" of my money. Money which they put on hold and prevent me from getting at whenever I want. They are also closing branches and limiting access to ATMs. Now, that seems nutty- raising fees and lowering expectations. C'mon! I am confused to say the least, where is all that extra money going? If banks are closing to limit costs, why do we need to raise the fees?
I really don't want to increase what I am paying the bank now. How can a business gamble with my money, keep the winnings and have the audacity to charge more? These banks are being selfish. When I was growing up, my Momma was adement about sharing. Or at least giving credit where it's due. It would be great if the banks rewarded us for being good customers, with something usable like, ummm, money. If money is a concept created by banks to establish financial hierarchy, they should be doing more to help the largest demographic- the bottom. How about a matching fund? For every dollar you save with the bank, they donate 10 cents? Or if your account has less than 20 transactions you get a money order that you can put towards a fun new pair of shoes. How about a fund that will donate monthly if you have a direct withdrawal with a registered charity. There are many ways to make the members of a bank swallow the new fees easier. How about this? The bank knowing your spending habits automatically gives you the account best suited for you, instead of wrestling with a bank employee to get it. It's not hard to be a better business, just ask your local BIA.
Can we create a better system? It seems like the best option for a broke ass like me, would be to go back to the barter system. I will give you a manicure and a massage for my groceries? Would that work?
If I came over and cleaned your house would you chauffer me around? Are there any other options? What is going to happen to the world if these bank systems need to be bailed out, and there is no money to do it? It seems to me that the best option is stuffing a coffee can full of $50 dollar bills and waiting for a rainy day. Though I think if it starts to look stormy I will just blow it all on rubber boots and call it square.
Yesterday, while lying in a shallow grave getting hailed on, I realized. I love my job. I know, I know, it sounds terrible. And really it is. I mean, it's freaking awful. It's cold and dirty and you have to use unheated port-a-pottys, and you stand around for 14 hours, and your jaw hurts from clenching it in the cold. You have no control over when you'll be finished; no matter how hard or well you work. Generally, you're just uncomfortable and itchy. The film business, ain't purty. There in lies the rub, I love it anyways. I love, love, love it; and it's a good thing I have a union that dictates what I get paid- cuz I would do all this crazy stuff for free- that's how much I love it. FREE!!! I would be a waitress, or a police officer, or a janitor in a movie, tv show or theatre production. The great thing is, I never have to stay the same thing more than a few days. Tomorrow always holds another character.
Here is my morbid dream, which I guess should be classified as a nightmare...I want to play a dead body 7 times before I die, and preferably in the following ways:
1. Blueing Corpse on a mortuary slab with the Y-stitches- I don't know the cause of death, the CSI team are just putting the clues together, there will hopefully be a "flashback" of the murder happening.
2. Falling down stairs- splayed out at the bottom.- Pushed by my jealous lover or a woman who wants to steal my husband and perfect life.
3. A cancer patient or other near survivor.- Not really something I want to do...but if I am playing people dying, this is one of the most likely avenues I'll have to take.
4. Impaled in the gut with a spear or jousting foil.- Going down in a medieval blaze of glory, a peasant woman secretly acting as a knight to save her family's business from a tyrannical Lord or Baron.
5. Eaten by a wild animal, preferably a bear, after a wrestling match.- While lost in the woods, without shoes I stumble into a ferocious bear's territory. He lurches at me from the rustling brush, and we struggle as he slashes and tears, I eventually succumb and the bear eats me, ripping me apart.
6. Swarmed by zombies or dragged away by demons- like in Ghost or Zombieland, with lots of screaming and grasping for help, clutching the hand of someone I know is going to leave me behind, I am too far gone already. I just hope if it's Zombies, my team of apocalyptic survivors shoot me in the head to honour my memory, keeping me from becoming a zombie myself. It's the least they could do.
7. Floating in a pool- eyes open.- a timeless classic, and I would hope it's shot in black and white, from the bottom of the pool. Classic death, drowned in a swimming pool.
All that terrible stuff being said, I would also like to solve a mystery, find a missing child, rob a bank, fly, unite 2 feuding families...okay, okay, let's be honest. I want to do everything. There's not a single thing that I wouldn't do or be. I have always been a glutton for punishment, not real punishment mind you, but working in film might be worse punishment as it's a lot more takes, a lot more angles, and a lot more direction, but I still love it. Why be a anything, when you could be everything?
 The Tinker in her fancy Tiara It's nighttime, day of Jilly's surgery- she can't walk because of all the stitches in her bum. When she's standing there is a dopey sway...I think she's as comfortable as she can be, but my poor sleepy puppy smells like surgery and dehydrated dog breath. Her pain pills (of which there are a solid stream of 4 different types to be given throughout the day) need to be taken every 6-8 hours so I have set an alarm for 4:30 am... beep beep beep... I wake to find a glazed eyed puppy staring at me from the inside of her shiny new plastic cone...but that sound... what is that sound? It's a rushing, swooshing and dripping sound. It's not coming from her. I can also hear my neighbours faintly in the hallway... their voices getting closer then drifting away, but the water is getting louder... is that possible?
Yes. Yes, it is. It is very possible. A pipe has burst on the 7th floor and is rushing down the stairwell, through the hallway and into the 4th floor condos...This is happening people. A sad neighbour girl sitting in a puddle, wrapped in a blanket, watching her husband pacing and raving about the ruined mattress and upgraded hardwood floors. Firemen (side note: Calendar firemen don't work the 4 am shift) bustling around, tracing the water to the source, triggering the fire alarm and yelling to each other, all their sentences seem to end with "Mac". Add to that maintenance men in soggy steel toe boots, walking on squishy hallway carpet, ripping up brand new and totally ruined flooring, in the newly moved in neighbouring units, sand blasting and grinding the freshly painted walls and ripping out unused appliances. Also- building security knocking on doors, asking if everyone is alright inside- (which I would have thought was a fireman's job) and asking if there was damage. It's a drippy and depressing 5 ring circus and we're trying to sleep in here! It was a very traumatic day! I mean c'mon!
You know the saying when it rains, it pours... We're lucky that when it rained here- Hubby, Bean and I had the good luck of wearing our rain slickers. We were the only unit on our floor that was unscathed, as of yet- though they have been very clear that seepage is a real danger. Other than the 4 am hubub and ballyhoo and the early morning intensive labour we're alright. The Stinker with her sound amplifying cone has been a trooper and continues resting comfortably, though it's clearly drug induced. And as far as perfect timing goes- Jilly hates getting her feet wet, so she would want to be carried down the spongy hall surgery or not. Sometimes things just work out...:$
PS: 4B- that sucks about your mattress, but is there anything better than a new mattress?
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