It has been so long since I've had a vacation... a really real vacation. I have gone on trips to my parents, day trips down or up to the beach and hung out in Montreal. But I haven't had 2 weeks solid of days and nights off...With no strings attached and a few bonus days with Hubby gone up north. I really woke myself up! And I learned quite a bit.
1. Putting a ribbon on something doesn't make it a gift.
2. No plan-plans are the easiest and most satisfying plans to attend.
3. Anything is appropriate wardrobe if it's THAT hot out.
4. Buns are great if I wanna look like a ballerina without an eating disorder.
5. Lucy positions herself so that as I pet her the fan blows her loose hair back in my face. She's tricky like that.
6. I remembered how to scream. But once you've lost your voice it won't come back if you keep screaming.
7. Not every selfless act is free.
8. Taking a gamble with thirty percent chance of thunderstorms is like betting against the dealer.
9. Kids are cute until they make that face and explode from both ends.
10. Jogging when the humid ex is high is like trying to breath underwater.
11. James Bond is hot. And if Beckham were James Bond there would be way more kicking.
12. Obsession is something most people should keep to themselves. Or limit to 2 hours per visit.
13. Don't start a conversation with the Commissioner unless you're prepared to be thoroughly tongue lashed for your insolence.
14. Cuban food rocks.
15. BFFs exist for all the great-big-fun and fabulous reasons.
16. Peeing in the pool is acceptable if you're laughing that hard.
17. Karaoke is supposed to be songs everyone knows. Singing- scratch that- screaming along is part of the fun.
18. If your Hubby recognizes the smell of your fart, he'll sell you out; just to make friends.
19. White wine can make you fell like falling or like flying depending on the region of the grapes.
20. A drive-in is the perfect place for 2 girls to talk through a movie.
21. Puppa will always wait until you're close enough to benefit from a good shake.
22. Drunk men will try and proposition you because you have a dog. Having a dog means having a place nearby; so they don't have to drive back home to Kitchener.
23. Sometimes the most interesting looking people talk about some lame stuff. (ie: Egg salad or bandanas)
24. I want to ride the boat around the channel past the drive-in. I don't know what it's called or who owns it, or if they even take passengers, but I want to.
25. I forgot how much I loved high kicking.
26. Jilly doesn't stomp at me when she's hungry, she just stares and puppy sighs as though I should just get it, because I am her Momma.
27. Being a single Puppy-Momma isn't hard if you have a part-time nanny.
28. Slumber parties rock.
29. I can sweat while eating brunch, so that when I get up the pool drips down the back of my dress and puddles on to the seat.
30. Caribana is not as loud in a backyard swimming pool.
31. Meat is not my friend. Unless it's still alive, in which case I will pet it and we will become friends.
32. My Hubby isn't happy with only boys around, but the way he smells I don't think girls would be happy around him either.
33. The 4 storey hole in my backyard is a muddy and green pond...which is kinda Zen.
34. There is a family of 3 mini-city bred skunks lurking in my neighbourhood. There is a turf war brewing.
35. The barometer is a tool of torture.
36. Pickle sandwiches don't exist for a reason.
37. You can get 2 weeks out of a pedicure if you walk on sand.
38. The Olympics aren't fun until we get to the medal rounds; just like every other sporting event.
39. Lemon juice is not a hair product, it's an urban wives tale. Just like not being able to swim at Toronto beaches.
40. Roller coasters are a great source of tension. There should be more movies about them, though I imagine they'd be shorts.
41. My Baby Belle sounds better singing happy tunes, and happiest while playing the Disney library.
42. It's easier to encapsulate and optimize your time in the city- the close proximity allows for entertainment leap frogging.
43. Secret codes are hard to explain but helpful to have... Even if you're the only one who knows it.
44. Little Red Riding hood is a very clever little girl. But not every babysitter gets fridge privileges.
45. Music can come from anywhere, but that doesn't make it all good.
46. My arms tan, my chest tans, my stomach burns and my legs get patchy.
47. A facial can take 2 weeks to heal, and even then is still working hard.
48. My Puppa sleeps as close to me as possible, even if there is tonnes of room in bed.
49. Creating a cartoon series is harder than it looks.
50. Spending a rainy day watching an entire season on Netflix is worth the $7 a month.
51. Picking it just makes it worse.
By the time you relax, you're vacation is over. Which is sad- but I gotta say I was missing you. You know, missing this, US<3 and I am glad to have it back, though I do wish I was still floating around a pool or getting macro-dermabrasion at the beach, or bbqing with my Besties in the backyard... But maybe, just maybe, if I work hard and try hard and hope, I can still do it on the weekends... Oh right, weekends are for doing what you want... Silly me. And I will keep doing it, you can bet on that. Welcome back and happy Tuesday of the August long weekend. I am glad to see ya!
I don't know if you've heard, but we're having a heatwave. You can't go anywhere without people talking about it. Complaining- half heartedly. Only to correct each other with: "You'll miss this is November." At 6am while walking my Puppa stink I ran into my neighbour. We both smelled clean but looked wet. Crossing our collective fingers hoping today was a sweeter day. Knowing that soon we'd both be soggy again.
It's so hot that even my 12-step skincare regime isn't enough. I have to add 8 layers of sunscreen and another step of anti aging cream. The sun and heat are wearing my skin out. My hands are like crocodiles and my midsection is a haunting pasty white; bordered with irregular tan lines. My nails won't grow. My hair feels like a blanket laden with sweat. I've removed all my jewelry, I just don't want it touching me. All the city's women clad in sundresses and breezy fabrics; ponytails piled high on their heads.
On Saturday the sun came out after the spitting rain stopped. Not even close to the humidity cracking thunderstorm we we're promised. The storms we'd been begging for; the grass and trees needing it so badly. In heat like this everyone's looking for trouble. Men without shirts; hooting and hollering at the passing ladies. The Lakeshore blocked by high speed chasers and beer guzzlers. The sound of giant bumblebees without the sweetness of honey. People are restless and the animals are panting. It is hot. And were all trying to love it. Struggling through. Always uncomfortable, but it's Ontario weather, so what do we expect? When it gets like this our sports teams start loosing. The CFL, TFC and BJ's started their seasons well, now coming apart in the heat. My feet are swollen and I am bogged down and drippy. Trying to conserve energy, but ending up with none left anyway. Even Stephen. Six of one half dozen of the other. But man, it is hot!
All this aside, I needed an adventure. But this heat wears me out. It starts being comfortable outside close to 11pm, so you have to stay up that late just to go anywhere without sweating through your shirt. It's too dang hot. This past weekend I spent a lot of time on patios, in fan blown bars and the chilly A/C ofmy BBF. Hoping that I could find in some fun- and I did! My adventure started with a crosstown bike ride. The back roads were deserted; the streets we're open to a double wide lallygaging drift of a ride. All the stores I wanted to go to: Closed as though they forgot it was Saturday. So I settled for a bloody Marcy, a picker platter with smoked salmon and 'Baby it's cold outside' blaring from an ironic jukebox in 32 degree weather. The evening was catapulted by a flight of fancy; trying 9 new micro-brew beers. Suddenly, after way too much sun and beer came the invitation to my first ever penthouse- patio-party. A 2 floor condo with 2 bathrooms and 2 many people. Facing the CN tower and the lake. The city glimmering and calm. The temperature dipping and the breeze whispering through my hair. Finally a nice temperate adventure. Comfortable at last.
So, humidity and hops mix refreshingly well together. Turns out that by raising the adventure temperature, I managed to be hot and comfortable. Thanks Torontonians for keeping you're cool. But if there's a way we can swing it; I would like some of that rain I complained about earlier this summer:)
This past little while I have been inundated with kids. Most of whom are babies, and as offensive as they can get; they are forgiven for all their misbehaving cuz 'they're just a baby'. But Roddamn it I met an unforgivably rude and crude kid who drove me up the wall! I consider myself a semi-patient person. But my semi-long fuse was lit by this cousin of my cousin's cousin. Causing me to snap and display a bit of my crazy... Well too much crazy for grownup dignity's sake.
Problem the first: this child was parentless on our vacation weekend. That's not to say that she's an orphan or unsupervised. But there are different levels of tolerance from one adult to the next. Parents typically prefer to be more stringent than a casual sitter. So this child (I keep calling her child-she's probably 13) ran rampant all weekend. Screaming, interrupting, name calling, just raising general hell, you know how kids get when there's a supply teacher- ya, like that. And I say boo-urns! That's no way for a young Lady to behave.
Problem the second: I was on vacation and wanted to be quiet. I wanted to have a few laughs. Play a few lawn games. Have a few drinks and spend some time floating down stream. It's my vacation! I just wanted things my way. I wanted to be around people I love. Not have a strange kid vying for my attention by being loud and selfish and judgmental. Clawing at me while I'm swimming. Yelling at me while I'm focused on a game target. Clambering for my attention as well as everyone else's. Humiliating some to impress others- throwing my cousin under the bus more than once. I realize she's on vacation too, but she gets 2 months- I had 3 days- I mean c'mon!
Problem the third: she's a bossy kid. With a theory that the loudest person has the right opinion. There is no room for conversation and I can't stand being 'corrected' by a 13 year old girl who truly believes she knows everything. Which is not true, because she clearly doesn't know how to make friends and influence people, which was a book I read at 13. She is not the boss of me. And I didn't like it.
She pushed my buttons, then she stuck gum in the button box, then she lit that poor button box on fire. So when I finally did loose my temper; telling her to be nicer and that she should worry about her own beeswax for one dang minute, I was the bad guy. Aww man, I hate that. I don't want to get in trouble for saying what everyone else is thinking. Though with 20/20 hindsight I guess there was a reason nobody was saying anything. Apparently it's wrong to chastise your cousin's cousin's cousin, who's not related to you even though the kid is ruining everything*insert grumpy pout. I am not a mean person; It's just hard ignore the antics of someone else's badly behaved kid. That being said there's probably a reason her parents weren't there: Everyone deserves a vacation. I just don't want Miss Bossy MacLoud-Mouth-No-Relation trying to ruin mine. It would've somehow been an easier pill if she was my cousin- at least I would understand those genetics;) But the worst part about this whole thing...I think I was just like her.
While riding up north in the backseat of yet another rammed car, I was beaned by a flying chess set in a metal box. While recovering from the shock; I started this list. And it must've been some bonk to the noggin. Cuz here's all the mental floss. So what I thought about this long weekend.
1. It's called a long weekend because that's how it feels- long.
2. That cottages are far from the city andr by the time you get there you've missed half a day.
3. Jilly is allergic to Puppy cupcakes. They transform her into a poltergeist shooting from both ends.
4. Air mattresses have a central vortex that acts like a black hole.
5. I forget how to write a blog.
6. Almost everyone on my side of the family writes.
7. A year is a long time to feel sorry about not saying you're sorry.
8. Going 8 games undefeated inflates an ego, priming it for popping. Even while playing lawn games.
9. Drunk people don't make much sense, if you're sober.
10. Bro finds immeasurable pleasure in saying the Eff-word in front of my religious relatives.
11. Turning 80 means never having to say thank you.
12. Jilly and her cousin Reese get along and share toys quite well. Except the teeny tennis balls that Jilly cracks like a walnut- splitting yellow fuzz and plastic everywhere.
13. Gin and club soda with lime is a great and classically thirst quenching beverage. Especially in a giant Coleman thermos.
14. When someone owes you $100 they make sure you give them the $5 they just lent you.
15. People pay attention to couples using their silent language.
16. Banana boat sunscreen smells like summertime.
17. I clean to show people I love them.
18. Jilly likes ice cubes and cauliflower.
19. You can lead a man to the shower but you can't be sure he'll come out clean.
20. Bluegrass is the best driving music, but Graceland is a very close second.
21. People like repeating stories. Especially if they got a laugh the first time.
22. Pontoon boats were invented for long weekends and dancing to Bryan Adams.
23. A weekend without a watch on is required every so often.
24. Bathing suits aren't designed to last for 6 years.
25. Packing light means leaving stuff behind. Even though you might need them later.
26. Even when BFF isn't there I feel the influence she's had on my life enjoyment level.
27. I need to Shining myself in a northern cottage for 2 months and write.
28. Swimming in a lake and making a joke about snapping turtles causes them to suddenly appear. Sending a gaggle of girls screaming and an Uncle yelling at us to be quiet.
29. Stargazing apps are wicked sticks.
30. A hot July is way better than a wet one. Mosquitos like to bite my bum.
31. I really like my new sister in law.
32. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day if your coffee has Bailey's.
33. A pavilion is a fancy way of saying concrete floor with roof.
34. Coolers should be see-through for efficiency sake.
35. If there's anything lovelier than queen Anne's lace I haven't found it.
36. Diving into a lake is nature's netti pot.
37. Traffic is terrible when you're between radio stations.
38. Bacon and eggers from A&W are worth every penny.
39. When a stat falls on a Sunday everything is closed and they take Monday too.
40. People want to show off their garden, even if their thumb is more brown than green.
41. Sunscreen makes clean hair look greasy.
42. Soy beans are a very popular crop for Ontario farmers this year.
43. If you're in a town with an asylum, expect to see crazy people.
44. Girls ask questions about boobs and laugh at farts.
45. One big zit provides fodder for a whole weekend worth of jokes.
46. KFC is the perfect picnic saver. Mayonnaise is essential for every summer salad.
47. 80 year olds love playing the piano without their hearing aids.
48. Orange hibiscus are beautiful in the overheated Camp grounds.
49. Most conversations with an 80 year start with; did you hear about -blank- they died.
50. A country Mommy will not tolerate 60 in an 80
51. Sometimes your journey takes you back to where you've started, and gives you a chance to start again.
52. You can make ice cubes out of anything- including oil, broth and milk
53. A dog tumor feels weird to accidentally run your hand over it.
54. Actors don't get vacation pay.
55. The winter wheat is ready for harvest.
56. You'll always get complimented on your old 'I only wear them at the cottage shoes'. My calluses get worse the more I wear these shoes.
57. Wearing dress with a strange neckline generates a strange tan line.
58. Puppa will strangle herself to escape the danger of fireworks.59. Being jammed into a full car is more fun than being alone in an empty one.
60. There is no place as comfy as your own bed. Except a five star hotel.
As always it is nice to be back, and starting up my routine of going to be at 10pm again. It's always amazing how I need a vacation after my vacation. I think I might be trying to pack in too much fun, but who complains about having too much fun? Oh wait. that's me:)
Dear Life,
I feel like you're passing me by. I was so looking forward to my first summer married to my Hubby. No planning, no parties just us. Going to the beach and sitting on patios and living it up and now I am stuck with this full time job. Don't get me wrong it's a great opportunity; at least I thought it was. But now I think that it was Opportunity's evil twin; Greed. I was offered a full-time job and instead of realizing that I don't do my Joe job because I love it, because I don't. I do my Joe job to pay the rent and give me the flexibility to do the work I love. Right now, I have 5 labours of love waiting in various stages that I don't have time to work on because of this schedule. I went from having 3 days off a week to having 1.5 days off... My creative brain is shriveling, and it makes me sad.
Also let's talk Earhair, a topic we haven't explored for a while. A few months ago I got into some hot water over the casual plucking of an acquaintance. Needless to say it did not go over well. And since then I have been a little bit pluck shy. But now I am starting to think that the universe is punishing me for ignoring my true calling: Heir to the Plucker dynasty. Rogue hairs have been cropping up all around me. On and in co-workers ears. Women with wild blonde and black chin hairs. Coarse hair poking out of neck moles. Long hooked eyebrow hairs refusing to lie down. And all I can do is stare. It's sooo hard. Like being a werewolf but having a dog allergy. It might be driving me closer to the harried edge, if you get my drift.
As for the rest of it, Life; I miss my Puppa-roo and the tip-toe Sushi. I am worried about being left by my BFF. I am getting pressure from girlfriends to premeditate baby plans. As soon as I started enjoying the heat, it slapped my face by dropping 10 degrees. I want to put up my shelves, unpack my books and get the Roddamn boxes out of my hallway. Life, I just feel like your racing past me and no matter how hard I try you won't just pull over for a rest stop, just to stretch my legs. Pretty please Life, I would like to feel like I am driving just for a while. I'd even accept you being a backseat driver or a co-pilot who complains about my driving skills.
Anyhoo, I just felt like it had been a while since we really caught up.
I miss you,
Melicious
P.S. Tell my BFF there are no F's in Arizona, only B's
This week I spent a lot of time traveling. Time in airports; where every suitcase has a squeaky wheel. A symphony of out of tune squealing leading people to strange places and back home again. The televisions squawking equally in French and English. People tired from long journeys and others excited for their 's to begin. The sound of planes at touchdown. The smooth dulcet tones of landed attendants inviting their new passengers to board. The constant click of the baggage claim, telling you youre almost home.
Time on the highway; with lane closures slowing everyone and speed demons racing against an unseen timer. Six lanes of blacktop taking people long distances in a short time. Cars with lonely drivers singing along in voices louder than they typically dare. Cigarettes hanging out windows, for the first drag of the day or the last butt before home. Headlights brightening up dashed center lines and shining in my eyes.
Time on the subway; with snoring sun-stroked beach goers leaning against plexiglas partitions. Buses with inebriated minors acting out. Overdressed office women in uncomfortable shoes pretending to read their romance novels. The unidentifiable stain on the red almost velvet seat. Crowded bus stations with impatient commuters reading free daily newpapers.
People coming and going, the only thing they share is me. I sit and stare as people around me fill their commute with all the tools they've grown accustom to. Sleeping and waking at the right stop. Earbuds plugged into music mixed with the sense of solitude. I like being a traveller in the galaxy without leaving the planet. Each cosmos holding their own secrets and all of them revolving around the same sun. It is truly an awesome thought to sit as people flood out folding doors to offices, people on top of people, all working towards a different goal.
They say that life isn't about the destination it's about the journey. And this is a good one. Each day I hope to see something new, run into someone old and get to work on time. This weekend I want to sit in Victoria (a regal vehicle) with my BFF and sing with the sunroof open. Daylight coaxing more freckles out of winter hibernation. Coasting along to our favourite corny pop song. Her on lead vocals, Me Garfunkeling the harmony. Laughing all the way. Traveling together for more than just a ride. I am happy that this journey is filled with the sights, sounds and the sometimes awful smells that go along with it. Dear readers: Keep on trucking! And as always be prepared to merge:)
This having a full time job thing is really cutting into quite a few of my preferred activities. Like hanging out, hanging out with friends, hanging out with my dog, you know important things. What having a full time job is great for is spreading the news. You know that news really does spread, New York, NEEEW Yooork. Sorry, tangent*refocusing hand. The problem is; I am not used to knowing what's happening in the world. I mean hearing it all. Floods and fires and shootings oh my. That's not even to say that whole southern cannibalism thing or foot in the mail business.
It can't be a coincidence that the world is going a bit crazy this year can it? That the four horsemen of the apocalypse are starting to saddle up and ride around our over populated world the way the Mayans predicted? Do you remember partying like it was 1999? Thinking that computers were going to implode and/or take over the world because they had never changed over a century. Well, that was one hell of a weird time too. People buying water, batteries, generators and stockpiling basements; as if it would really help. What did we think was really going to happen...oh right, we didn't know. That was the problem.
Now, let's talk Toronto this past week. There was a shooting in the Eaton's Centre with 8 injured and 1 dead. Rumour has it; it was gang related. And not to seem insensitive but that relieves me, I am slightly less horrified than I would be if it were a run of the mill psychopath who merely wanted to murder some mall shoppers. I feel awful for the injured parties. I also feel bad for the people who work at the mall, as it's been closed for investigation until further notice. Most of those part time employees don't have insurance to cover the lost wages.
The Union super flood? Let's break that down for a sec. It rained so hard and so fast that our Toronto transit couldn't keep the 3 lowest subways from flooding. They were closed the better part of the day. A system that people rely on to get them around the city, what's supposed to be the Better Way flooded like the lower decks of the Titanic. People running for their lives, again...Anybody else see a problem here? Oh, and what goes hand in glove with flood? Fire; that's what. The Ontario forest fires to be exact. The rain was needed to quench that; but Ontario's largest city got it instead. I heard estimates of rain as high as 60 cm...which I think is impossibly high, but my meteorology is a bit rusty.
As for the CDC releasing a statement to the effect that: Hey everybody, it's not a Zombie outbreak. It seems strange that we were worried it was. I will expand on this further, you better believe that we'll talk Zombie Infestation plan soon. But for now let's just glean. Okay, so of all the monsters in the whole wide range of monsters; humans are by far the scariest. Especially humans with a cannibalistic disease that can't be tested for or tracked. That's scary. People eating people, and more and more often. It's just a matter of time before human meat becomes the ultimate in eating locally:$
Alright, alright. Maybe I've seen one too many end of days movie; but it's typically the guy with the conspiracy theory that cracks the code (or dies first). So, maybe I should pick up a coulpe cases of water, some batteries, a shot gun and a good pair of running shoes. Or maybe I should loosen my tin foil hat and take a deep breath. Then again, it never hurts to be prepared.
Weekends suddenly make sense to me. I have been living day to day. Jumping from gig to gig for the past 5 years. Without a steady job- other than this... So, the weekend never meant that much to me. It was just 2 more days of the week that I could be working or waiting for the work to call or sweating that it had been 3 days since I worked, etc ad nauseum. But when you're booked into a steady Mon to Friday work week; the weekend is two days off. Back to back, days where I am my own boss. Not worried about when my next job is coming. It's coming Monday. Those 2 days are allocated to my whim. And with this my first Free Weekend I learned the following things in no particular order.
1. The Horseshoe Tavern is Toronto's best music venue- especially if the band has a fiddle
2. Bone marrow, horse meat and cow tongue taste amazing if the chef knows how to do it right
3. Free beer is the best beer
4. A DJ playing to an empty room doesn't take requests
5. My bike needs a softer seat
6. A rare book doesn't have to be old but it helps
7. Law schools are designed to inspire greatness in their students
8. Sundays are designed for Mommas
9. My Puppa loves me more when I smell like bacon poutine
10. Scotland has born some pretty wicked people
11. Lucy doesn't want to play the game "look I’m a pirate and she's a parrot" while standing out on my shoulder
12. Bye, bye Birdie is wicked- this I already knew but it’s important to be reminded
13. Baby Belle won't play herself and I need to practice
14. Coffee in Paris is cheaper at the bar than at a table
15. New shoes make me feel great and guilty
16. A change of facial and body cream are a gateway to better cheeks; which means better smiling
17. Sunshiney weather brings out my freckles
18. My bike basket is not an acceptable handbag
19. Most people yelling in the streets aren't talking to me
20. Queen St though busier is better than Dundas for now
21. Having reliable people around means you breath better
22. Having a slogan on your shirt; allows people to stare at your chesticles
23. Being dressed up and looking good with someone you love is better than being in comfys alone
24. Having a BFF who is pretty helps to see the beautiful things around you
25. A spring breeze is best when blowing through the new spring leaves
26. I will never stop loving Jelly shoes
27. Rose water smells amazing on me
28. Whenever you get something you actually need. When you get home you'll find you needed 2 of them
29. Freddie Mercury still rocks
30. Stopping to smell the flowers sometimes means actually stopping to smell the flowers
31. Painting your toenails navy; encourages one to hum the Village People
I know, I know these aren’t shocking and amazing revelations, but it sounds to me like I had a pretty informative weekend. I just wish that I was taking a weekend from this- and getting paid again Today :) Ah the dream! Happy Monday to all you daily grinders, and Happy non-specific day of any generic work week to all you freelancers.
This past weekend was a beautiful and picturesque one. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and I was convinced that no matter what, we were gonna have a great time. So, I coerced my fabulous Hubby to take a leisurely stroll along Lakeshore with a plan for drinks at Sunnyside Pavilion and an ice cream if he was good. What I forgot was, I am married to the Commissioner of the Universal police force- a unique and tactical group of people who govern the general public without election or qualifications. His jurisdiction is an impressive one, covering all forms of media and most of southern Ontario.
Being the Commissioner's wife is a lot of pressure- just ask McMillan and his wife-hijinks! But Rock Hudson is a well paid-highly trained-climbed through the ranks- police officer. My Hubby is a freelance, sorta strategic nay-sayer with a knack for the grumps.
On this particular day his mandate was 'Road wise, Street smarts'. It all began when I crossed the street- to a suddenly crowded corner. And we were pinned behind, between and among tourists with cameras and backpacks, street kids with jingling dreadlocks and a tiny woman who wanted to pick-up my poor shy Stinkeroo. I will admit, he was not wrong to be uncomfortable. My next mistake was leading the Commissioner to the shared walk & bike path. With a posted speed of 20k/h and a mental speedometer registering high speeds, the Commissioner was on the lookout for infractions. We have a long running joke about reckless drivers and the wish to have a sack of marbles to ding their vehicle on the way by. But sadly neither the Commissioner or I have the guts to do it. And quite frankly- it's a much higher stake to hit a bicyclist with a glass sphere launched at them as punishment for breaking the suggested bike path speed limit.
Don't get me wrong, tough Hubby is one of my favourite Hubbys, followed closely by chef Hubby and 'you're so pretty, I have stars in my eyes' Hubby. But the Commissioner is hard on me. Especially on a beautiful day when the family is out walking together, and your heart feels like singing and the grass is soft and green, I wish the Commissioner would take a day off. But he doesn't, Hubby is married to his job- which wouldn't be so bad if his benefits were better and the vacation time was paid. Well, at least one of us got ice cream:)
I don't consider myself a girly-girl, though I am sure there are many people who disagree (those were stinging nettles Damnber and they hurt!!), but I am the one writing this blog- thus it is my reality not their's.*insert raspberry When I got home from work, took off my antique-dirty shoes with the caked mud and unrolled my jeans to release the sediment, I realized; It's mud! It's all dirt! It's ALL disgusting! Come rescue me! Eeww dirty! You might not believe me but I work in 1864. I am over 100 years dirty from work when I get home. I have been wearing the same 2 pairs of jeans for the last month (not the ones that split- though I've been asked to) cuz I don't wanna get anything else dirty. Who thought this was a good idea? Oh, wait it was me, and dirt or not, I still love it. Though everywhere smells like horse ass, rotten teeth and dust. The dust is a million years old, it must be special dust from a special place where all things old hang out. And I am not sure my co-workers have ever been clean- I mean it's dirty everywhere, everywhere. It's in my ears, up my nose and my hair. Yucky.
Then after long hours, for my 5 th day in a row; I go home...Home to a place surrounded by temporary fence, preventing me from falling into ever deepening holes. It smells like burning cheese, which I can't decide is a good thing or bad thing. Upside: it's not 100 year old dust, Downside: it's fresh, earthy and wet. Then the rains came and it's mud. Seriously? The street is mud, the sidewalk is mud; the mud sinks into my shoe treads, making this already clumsy person start walking like Peter Sellers. I am slipping and sliding, and trying to get my stubborn Beagle to poop and she won't. She hates the mud, the rain, the wet- treating me like I did THIS to her...Which I never would. So, now I am soggy, dusty, dirty, grumpy and muddy. My whole life is filthy, except my condo hallway. It's a hyper-barrack chamber. After the flood, my hallway was ripped apart and naked. Now, it is a plastic lined, newly re-insulated hazmat tunnel. An eerie bubble leading me towards ET; I walk through it 4 times daily. Each time expecting to enter zero gravity or meet John Travolta (the boy in the bubble for those too young), it's a strange feeling. Oh no, how rude of me, I think, looking behind me to see the trail of filth I've left on the plastic floor- World's oldest dirt-meet brand spanking new condo hallway. Everything here is new and hepa filters and static electricity. Jilly thinks the plastic drop sheet is a giant toy for her delight, it squeaks like her toys, tastes like her toys and the tape must smell like bacon- cuz all she wants to do is eat it...though I can see in her eyes, she knows she's being a bad girl. Finally, I enter my own sweet home, where I am free to shed the dirt and grime and grumps. After taking special precautions to wrap all this fancy dirt into itself, I jump in the shower and sing showtunes, while making up fake conversations with handsome men I have never met- Ryan Gosling-and practising my giggle. Okay, so that sounded girly, but who wouldn't be in a cupcake scented shower?
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