They say you can never go home again and after meeting some people's families I can understand why they may never want to. But it is also true that you can never travel the same road twice and life has a strange way of sneaking up on you. While spending Thanksgiving with my Bro, Momma and Papa B, I was me and Hubby was himself. We didn't put on an act. We didn't have to be anyone else. There were a few times when our not-so-awesome-selves came out- par example- when seen fighting in the local chocolate store or overheard lecturing regarding health values while passing the highway Arby's, but a few hitches ain't so bad...I guess. Oh yeah, and there was the Dinner and a Movie event my Momma invited us to where Hubby of course hassled me about laughing too loud in the theatre, though who can resist the sound of laughter amplified by a beautifully resonant space? It would be wrong of me not to laugh out loud. No matter what, I love going home. But where does my heart truly lie?
They say home is where your heart is, and my home is in Toronto. The work I love is here, I met the man I love here, my life is here. I love the CN Tower and it's light show- currently on hold for avian migration. I love that there are kitchens in the city open for a late night eater. I love that there is sushi within 1 block of you, no matter where you are. I love the Red Rocket- even though I know I shouldn't. It feels like the start of an adventure every time I drop that shiny token into the clinking slot. I love complaining about our Dumb-sass mayor. I love how close I am to all these people I love. I love seeing a different style on everybody I meet. I love the passion for life and the hustle and bustle. How could I not love my home?
Then there's the darkness of a country road where my heart feels full. The darkness broken by the bright shining stars we hardly see in the city. I love the smells, even the poopy ones. I love the panoramic colours that span every horizon. I love the quiet. The feeling that the neighbours can hear what you're thinking. Having neighbours that have known me since I was this big* insert knee high to a grasshopper action. Here is a heartfelt welcome no matter how long it's been. I love knowing people and them knowing me. I love picking up a conversation I've been having with someone for the last 20 years right where we left off. How could I not love this home?
Hubby says creating a home is key to having a happy life. Home- a place to rest your head, your heart and your body. A place of comfort. A place to recharge your batteries. But what happens when 2 totally different places feel like home? A spilt like that can be tough to stitch together. There aren't many people who can afford two homes or even one home in this market. And after being threatened with the sale of my childhood home, I begged my parents not to sell their house; a place I consider my home. I know where all their dishes go, I planted the tree in the side yard from a sapling that was barely a stick, I know why the wall has that chip, I love this home. But Hubby, Momma & Papa B; here's the thing I want you to know, I've realized: A true home- the real place that your heart is, it's with the people and not with the buildings. Now, I have to stop, before all this lovey-dovey stuff makes me homesick-to my stomach:)
While walking my pretty Puppa-roo across Queen St on a beautiful fall day I realized something. Almost every store we go into offers her a treat. And my Puppa is excited for every gift. Whether big cookie or little milk bone, she over-eagerly accepts all gifts- then I saw- when she wasn't getting a treat her interest wained. Pulling without subtlety back towards the place she last got treated. Oh no. I have created not only a chubby Jilly Bean no neck, but a bad gift receiver and a greedy puppy. A selfish and no good spoiled brat. And that makes me a bad Momma. Not the type of Momma I want to be.
Before I cast all the blame unto Bean for her lack of grace when accepting a gift I must reflect upon my own. For all my pomp and circumstance and big loud voice and funny dance moves, I am actually quite shy. Now, as an actress you may think that's weird. However, I don't mind the attention of an audience- an audience doesn't try to get to know you. Doesn't try to figure you out. They just let your character wash over them. The only pressure on you is to give a performance you're proud of. That's a gift I can give! Otherwise, I am a terrible gift giver. Or have been, until recently. I have been giving cash at weddings and gift certificates for most everything else. I am sorta generous. I just don't want anyone to feel like they should ever have to give me a gift. So, I try and avoid those situations altogether. Until I made my lifetime friends- they won't let me off the hook. And they are the best gift givers I've ever met, so it's quite an obstacle. Their gifts have inspired my intention to be a better giver and receiver.
Here are a few of the key ingredients I've learned about giving and getting perfect gifts. Something special comes from listening, looking and feeling- both the person and receiver- presumably a friend or family member- and their surroundings. Take mental notes or have Siri take one for you. Create dates in your calendar. Paying attention is key. Customized gifts are great but allow time for delivery. Also you can never go wrong with a genuine smile, warmly written card and eye contact. Receiving someone's gratitude is a key aspect of the cycle of being a talented giver. And never underestimate giving someone the gift of time. Life is busy and short, why not give the gift of togetherness? A dinner out or a home cooked meal, perhaps an offer to help with that nagging DIY project.
In the past I have been equally bad at giving and receiving- but I'm working on it. That's a gift to me. However, that treat eating, greedy little fur baby dragging me down Queen St , never gave me anything but unconditional love. Well, there's a new Sheriff in town and Jilly better start rolling over to my new way of thinking. She needs to learn a new trick or two- otherwise this old dog won't get her any new treats. Plus I like browsing Queen St and not every store has a treat for the Stinker, some treats are for your gifted Momma;)
Happy Thanksgiving! And getting!
This past weekend I had the pleasure of being the best-man's date to my Bro-in-Law's wedding. It was a split crowd; people I knew and total strangers. People who love me and people I will never see again. There is a wonderful duality when you're popularity is rumoured and unconfirmed. And it's amazing what you can learn.
Things I learned about weddings this past weekend:
1. You get to dance to the summer's top 40 pop songs, and somehow everyone knows them
2. It's a celebration of love. Everyone's love
3. You don't mind offering to get drinks at a venue where the booze is free
4. There are so many people, it's not offensive to only spend a little time with someone
5. Everyone tries to put their best food forward
6. Family inside jokes are in play
7. Even the grumpiest of men has a smile on their face
8. It's okay to shed a tear over the people we love who couldn't be there
9. You know at least 1/2 the people at this party
10. It's one of the 5 times a year you can convince your Hubby to dance with you
11. A beautiful venue really can reflect the love a couple has for one another
12. Bridesmaids' dresses can be beautiful enough to wear again
13. Fall weddings rock!
14. It's okay to eat the meat at a wedding when an environmentalist plans the menu
15. Watching pretty bridesmaids share inside jokes about the bride makes me miss my bridesmaids
16. There is no such thing as a stress free wedding
17. Photographers need to take charge and shrink the lengthy posing process
18. DJs should be pretty or handsome to invite requests
19. Caesars for apps, wine with dinner and beer for dancing is still a deadly combination
20. No matter how I protest, I always work at every event a little bit
21. My 2nd Momma was just as nervous the 2nd time around
22. Feathers are so hot right now
23. A pit bull off his leash will go straight for the bride in the frilly shimmering dress
24. A great DJ will sometimes play the same song twice
25. Even if you can't hear or understand what someone is saying, you can assume it's something nice
26. A great speech can come in many formats
27. A blended family is the only kinda'family that exists anymore
28. No matter how early you leave there's always a chance you'll be late
29. A flowing 70's chiffon dress with a wide belt is a great choice for a three course meal
30. Deciding to be the most fun person in the room is not a tough decision to make
31. A cordless mic encourages pacing
32. McDonald's is the best at midnight
33. Summer Loving is still the best air-band song ever
34. A wedding brings a family together with so much more happiness than a funeral
35. A wedding vow takes love and laughter to sound appropriate to the couple
36. After planning your own, you know how much love was poured into every other wedding you attend
37. A night without Jilly doesn't mean a dog won't keep us up all night
Congrats Bro-in-Law and Sis-for-life, welcome to the club! We're new members but the hazing hasn't been too bad and the old members are happy to have us. I look forward to seeing our lives grow together. Enjoy your honeymoon.
Is lying to yourself really lying? I mean if you truly believe something about yourself, could it really be wrong? Growing up things are black and white. Stealing is bad. But the older you grow, the greyer things get. Stealing to feed your hungry family is bad, but not for the same reasons. It has been a long time that I have been telling myself I am a better person than I might actually be. I have been telling myself (and you) that we can be the people we want to be. It’s just not as simple as I hoped. Being a good person is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. The effort required to make the person you are on the outside into the person you dream to be on the inside is an ongoing struggle. With obstacles rising up to meet you every single day. Temptation to be mean. To be selfish. To be too tired to be the best friend you hoped to be. To be strong in the face of adversity. To really stand up for what you believe and what you’ve told yourself to be true. To gossip. Being a good person is the most challenging person to be, it's a never-ending battle. That’s what makes a good person so special.
People say that life is short. And all you have is today. Though there are times when you feel you’ve lived this day before. The hours dragging before it's even time to start. Starting something and sticking to it. Sounds easy enough. But I feel like I’ve been waiting to start my whole life; I just didn’t realize that actually doing it- this whole living the good life thing- would be the hardest thing I’ve tried. It’s exhausting. High kicking and selfless giving and trying, I mean really trying. It scares the crap out of me. Living like you're dying is tiring. I am tired. I have been lying to myself, thinking that I was doing this just for me. And I am not; I am doing this for you mostly. And also how I feel about me when you’re happy. The fear of disappointing those who believe in me is greater than this weariness. I started this brand new me in hopes that I could force myself into believing that it was true.
There are days when I can’t bring myself to smile. Days when life has piled up and things have started falling. Dropping, despite my efforts to catch and juggle everything. This blog has benefited from my tenacity. But my body has suffered because of my laziness. My Hubby doesn’t get the attention he needs, because I am too busy working at a job that doesn’t help me feel good about myself. My Puppa-Stinkeroo misses me 5 days a week. My Kitty is back to being aloof- because I am not there to wear her down. My friends haven’t seen me. My dream is in a holding pattern. Well, I guess I lied to myself that this steady job was worth all the things I wouldn’t have time for. The very best thing I found is that I have learned so much about who, how and why I yam what I yam. I need to have the freedom to live life as the best me. Stop lying to myself and stop lying. Period . Everyone is all to fast to remind me of what a great paycheck it is… Yeah, but c’mon wouldn’t you rather I be a happy broke ass instead of lying to yourself that money is what you want? It’s never been about the Fame, the Fortune, the Fanfare. It’s all a lie anyway. The only thing that I am not lying about is how great I feel trying to be the best I can be, even though it’s the hardest thing I’ve done. But you know what they say: Fake it ‘til you make it. And I am gonna make it this time. And that’s no lie.
It amazes me how making progress can make you feel worse than standing still. I have been lamenting my poor luck in this industry for almost 10 years. I have been killing myself trying to make my dreams come true. I've been standing there, one my mark, waiting. I've been working so hard behind the scenes that I now have a matching set of under eye baggage. I have been hob-nobbing and being myself and telling jokes and being a sympathetic ear and not giving up on myself. And all those things actually worked. It really worked to be myself. So, why do I feel like I don't deserve the amazing opportunity I've been given?
I feel like I have slipped in the back door. Like if I had gone about this in the real way I wouldn't have gotten it. Popular opinion varies. BFF & Hubby think that this is well deserved. That I have proven myself and am getting taken seriously, because I am serious. Oh and talented, they may have said that too;) My Parents think any news is good news, and the important part is that I got it. My work colleagues are happy to work with someone who knows how they work. But I feel like I have been fighting against being that type of backdoor artist. I want to walk in the audition room and have them see what it took these guys 5 months to see. That's on me.
The nerves I am suffering from are a shock. It's as though my body knows I didn't get this gig on talent, I got it on personality. I am scared of letting people down. Or even worse, I am scared of being worse than the worst person I've seen all season. I am hoping that my confidence will kick back into gear. Cuz to meet me you'd never think I had a confidence issue. Though maybe it's my lack of self esteem that will help me to be a braver performer. It certainly has been pushing me in the past few months. I know I can do the work- and its not that it's hard, it's just a challenge. One that I hope I am up for- despite all the second, third and fourth thoughts I've had to the contrary. I just hope I am as good as I've been pretending to be all these years. So, I guess that puts me here. Standing waist deep in chilly water in September. The shivering is partly the early stages of hypothermia, but mostly I think it's nerves.
The ability to relax is one that many people lack. Trust me. Having worked as a masseuse for almost 5 years. Five years of telling people to breathe. Telling people to let me do all the heavy lifting. With our 70 hour work week, we have forgotten how to relax. Taking our work home with you and trying to fit your love, your family, your friends, your animals, your dreams, your life into your already over stuffed schedule. We have forgotten the art of relaxation.
Today though my no Good Friend from Winnepeg reminded me that I do deserve to relax, feel beautiful and relax...wait I said that, sorry I am so relaxed. While spending our day in saltwater whirlpools, saunas and eucalyptus steam rooms. We felt great. The art of relaxation isn't something that comes easy to either of us. We're go-go-goers'. As with all art it takes practise unless your a savant- a rare and beautiful breed in itself. Relaxing takes focus. You must focus on your breathing. Make sure your brain is where you are instead of the billion miles away it usually is. Laugh. That's a good one laughter aids digestion and is a mild abdominal workout- a peripheral benefit. While working and accomplishing tasks is important, you only get one body and one life.
Wearing joggers and bumming on the couch can be calming but there is still a chance you will be interrupted by a Hubby, a needy Pupparoo or laundry. The key to artistic relaxation is extraction. As anyone whose ever had a facial knows-extracting yourself dermally and positionally is imperative. Remove all distractions- including a perstering blog and sit with yourself or add a friend for the fore mentioned ab workout. There is a strange beauty to be found in the sheer indulgence of body and soul. So when you want to finally master the art of relaxation. Take the weight of the world off your shoulders- let someone else take a turn carrying it. Relax so you can do a better job on your next shift. And a kind suggestion from this masseuse "Relax and breathe." Then stand or lay back and admire the art of relaxation. With a little more technique you could be a relaxation Renaissance Master someday.
While attending my second industry TIFF party of all time I realized. There is a lot of really great hair in here. Great hair, great outfits and huge egos. The ego though I think is inflated by nerves and the constant fear of making an ass of yourself. People celebrating at these events are typically over-anxious about their art house film that took them 11 years and their entire line of credit to complete- not to mention their parent's money and a friend providing craft services just to keep it going. A labour of love will give you painful contractions.
Watching the potential success of others can be inspiring and disheartening at the same time. With the limited implied value of that little movie your making it's an emotional pregnancy. From conception to birth and even after; all through the awkward teen years until they go off to university. And even then your grown up little baby will always be your baby. The sad thing is that if it took 11 years just to birth it, that is a slow growth rate. The worst part is that my concept zygote is still awaiting fertilization- and by the time that bundle of joy arrives I will be 41! And I never wanted to be an older mother.
Little baby film idea, your Mommy and Daddy have been waiting so long, wishing for you, dreaming of your future and how you'll complete our lives. So TIFF I promise you, you don't know me now but within the next 11 years I will be ready for you to meet my baby. Baby Movie concept: You'll be smart, witty and full of surprises. You're already keeping me up all night and have spoiled my figure, so I have nothing left to loose. It would be great to have an amazing hairstyle though, but I guess I have 11 years to get it right.
When my jogging pants were tight... I knew there was a problem. For the last 8 years I have been half-heartedly chasing my "dreams"- which for the most part are shifting and unspecific. The only constant being my love of performing. Of which I have achieved very little "success". I put success into air quotes because as an artist "success" is subjective, relative and intangible, except we all know what it feels like when it happens. Oh and let's not even discuss the italics. So where am I? I am 30. I have found a job that pays my bills. My loving parents support my every artistic whim. My Puppa loves me and the Kitty likes me most of the time. I have a BFF that really gets me. I am happily married to a Hubby who takes very good care of me. I have been married for 1 year and marriage agrees with me- if you know what I mean. I am supposed to be happy. But there is something missing. I have been working on the periphery of this acting business for almost 10 years, but I haven't really been trying. Whoa, that was hard to admit. Well, I've tried a little but not enough to really make a difference, just enough to keep up appearances. Mostly just wishing and hoping. Fingers crossed that someone, somewhere with some sort of power over something would see me and recognize greatness. Well, that's stupid. I thought by not really trying that I couldn't really fail. Well, that's really stupid. I was also hoping that my stubborn nature would help me to be the last one standing. Stupid, who wants to win by default? So, things have got to change. Knowing that nothing great comes without hard work I have set myself a challenge. Thrown down a gauntlet, if you will, the contract is as follows:
I, Melicious Manners, heretofore known as the talent am willing entering into this contract. The talent is going to GO for IT! There will be some serious changes in the talent's career. She's going to track her physical, employment and emotional progress. In this, the talent's 31st year, half measures will not be tolerated. This will be a full court press. The talent is going to start putting in the required effort. Which includes but is not limited to; Physical appearance, Agency representation, Professional betterment, Style and General emotional well-being.
I the Talent approve this message.
The Starving Artist will be released every Monday starting Sept 17. And I want to invite you to see what I can do. Plus I would be lying if I didn't admit that this blog is one of the reasons I started to actually believe in myself. Finding out that even things this hard have benefits beyond expectation is the most rewarding lesson I've learned. Lesson 2: The more daunting the endeavour the greater the reward. The time is now, there will never be another today for me to better myself. Today is all we get and I am tired of being stupid. But I am ready to be hungry. I am looking forward to impressing you:)
It occurs to me that I don't write much about my Papa B. I think it's because we're both such private people. Don't get me wrong; we're not happy if someone else is the center of attention either. We're not great at second fiddle. We like things on our own terms. In an effort to be private, I have ensured that no one individual has enough incriminating evidence to become a problem. Strategically placing my hair-brained endeavours across a multi-platform support system. Weaving a spiderweb of planned events and past delineations. My Papa taught me that. A social strategy is important if your livelihood depends on your reputation. Though if I was honest I really think it's a power struggle. Not between good and evil, but just to feel powerful enough to bend destiny to my will. Okay that's a bit dramatic...but you get the idea.
Papa B and me also know everyone else's beeswax. Nicknames- which we've probably given, their relationship status, or if they have anything unusual protruding from their body. I guess we look interested. And really who doesn't like a gross medical story? But that may be more my Momma. People who have gossip, love sharing it with us, and even though I do love a good chin wag-I forget most of the secrets I'm told as soon as they're told to me. Cuz for the most part they aren't that juicy a secret to begin with. Except that thing oh, with the Ewww yeah- that was juicy.*insert dreamy eye roll.
My Papa and I are simpatico. Same strange tan lines and deadly baby blues. He gets my jokes- the first time- no explanation. And it helps me to have a strong voice on my side especially since some of the voices in my head put up such a fight. I know he's proud of me. I've almost bankrupted him because he thinks I am talented and wants to support me -literally- in all my endeavours. Which reminds me Papa B, can I borrow $500 bucks?*wink- half kidding. But Papa B, the very best thing about you is that you gave me the creative flu. Symptoms include verbal diarrhea and a sensitive gag reflex with nil filter. I hope it's contagious- cuz Hubby and I would be lucky to have a mini Papa B someday-well, mostly lucky.
Yesterday was my 1 year wedding anniversary. Hurray! It's paper. The year wasn't easy but it sure was interesting and awesome. There was so much stuff to see and do. So, I wanted to let you know some of the things I learned:
1. My Momma loves buying hats.
2. Condos stoves do not accommodate an 8 quart roasting pan with lid.
3. If you ask nicely enough your Hubby will take care of it because you're so busy. (must be busy to qualify)
4. Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
5. It's easier to let Hubby do what he wants than try and convince him otherwise. Though he's finally realized that I am the one who knows how to find the fun.
6. Some people talk and some people do. But it's best to be a bit of both.
7. Actions speak louder than words. Except yelling, that's the loudest.
8. Telling someone to relax has the opposite effect.
9. Teaching each other to be better people is a fun activity.
10. Mastering social flow of conversation is key to becoming a social master.
11. Rock Hudson and Danny DeVito are both sexy for different reasons.
12. A bed is not sleepable until there is at least 2 teeny furry bodies in it.
13. Being married means giving gifts as a couple.
13a. It also means someone taking 1/2 the credit for your wicked gift.
14. My Hubby can be very persuasive when he wants to be.
15. An August anniversary is perfect timing. Except when it falls on a Monday after FanExpo.
16. Paper is not a good gift. Unless there is a former prime minister on it.
17. I would rather have chicken wings and a lemon drop with our favourite bartender than fancy-it-up for my anniversary dinner.
18. Being married to the Karaoke host is just as brutal as dating him. Drunk girls love the karaoke host.
19. People remember what they got you for your wedding. And think you use it while they're there to impress them- when really you use it all the time.
20. Gift certificates are the 2nd best gift.
21. I am a workaholic for the wrong reasons on the wrong things.
22. Working opposite shifts is hard on your relationship but great for shower schedules.
23. Being a newlywed has a different feeling, that doesn't last long enough.
24. Tough Ole' Papa B likes to hug us all- including Bucy and the Bean.
25. I did good picking such a rocking Hubby. And I even love him the days I might not like him.
26. Everybody can dance to Bluegrass.
27. I am lucky My other Mother is as great as she is.
28. Having inside jokes as a married couple surprises people.
29. People love giving newlyweds advice- especially if their marriage didn't work out.
30. Marriage isn't easy. But our lives are better because of it.
This last year has changed both of us. And for the next marital year we have already made our resolutions. It's exciting and I look forward to helping those things happen. We are becoming two braver and bolder people with each other's love and support; I wouldn't bet against these underdogs. Watch me! Watch Us! Watch out! The honeymoon might be over, but I am still over the moon.
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