It amazes me how making progress can make you feel worse than standing still. I have been lamenting my poor luck in this industry for almost 10 years. I have been killing myself trying to make my dreams come true. I've been standing there, one my mark, waiting. I've been working so hard behind the scenes that I now have a matching set of under eye baggage. I have been hob-nobbing and being myself and telling jokes and being a sympathetic ear and not giving up on myself. And all those things actually worked. It really worked to be myself. So, why do I feel like I don't deserve the amazing opportunity I've been given?
I feel like I have slipped in the back door. Like if I had gone about this in the real way I wouldn't have gotten it. Popular opinion varies. BFF & Hubby think that this is well deserved. That I have proven myself and am getting taken seriously, because I am serious. Oh and talented, they may have said that too;) My Parents think any news is good news, and the important part is that I got it. My work colleagues are happy to work with someone who knows how they work. But I feel like I have been fighting against being that type of backdoor artist. I want to walk in the audition room and have them see what it took these guys 5 months to see. That's on me.
The nerves I am suffering from are a shock. It's as though my body knows I didn't get this gig on talent, I got it on personality. I am scared of letting people down. Or even worse, I am scared of being worse than the worst person I've seen all season. I am hoping that my confidence will kick back into gear. Cuz to meet me you'd never think I had a confidence issue. Though maybe it's my lack of self esteem that will help me to be a braver performer. It certainly has been pushing me in the past few months. I know I can do the work- and its not that it's hard, it's just a challenge. One that I hope I am up for- despite all the second, third and fourth thoughts I've had to the contrary. I just hope I am as good as I've been pretending to be all these years. So, I guess that puts me here. Standing waist deep in chilly water in September. The shivering is partly the early stages of hypothermia, but mostly I think it's nerves.
I feel like I have slipped in the back door. Like if I had gone about this in the real way I wouldn't have gotten it. Popular opinion varies. BFF & Hubby think that this is well deserved. That I have proven myself and am getting taken seriously, because I am serious. Oh and talented, they may have said that too;) My Parents think any news is good news, and the important part is that I got it. My work colleagues are happy to work with someone who knows how they work. But I feel like I have been fighting against being that type of backdoor artist. I want to walk in the audition room and have them see what it took these guys 5 months to see. That's on me.
The nerves I am suffering from are a shock. It's as though my body knows I didn't get this gig on talent, I got it on personality. I am scared of letting people down. Or even worse, I am scared of being worse than the worst person I've seen all season. I am hoping that my confidence will kick back into gear. Cuz to meet me you'd never think I had a confidence issue. Though maybe it's my lack of self esteem that will help me to be a braver performer. It certainly has been pushing me in the past few months. I know I can do the work- and its not that it's hard, it's just a challenge. One that I hope I am up for- despite all the second, third and fourth thoughts I've had to the contrary. I just hope I am as good as I've been pretending to be all these years. So, I guess that puts me here. Standing waist deep in chilly water in September. The shivering is partly the early stages of hypothermia, but mostly I think it's nerves.
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