A long time ago, my Bro and I created a character for my Momma; the crazy bus driver. We decided that she should change careers to; screeching harpie of a bus driver woman, with curlers in her hair, staring into the oversized rearview mirror; threatening to "Drive this death-trap off a cliff, if you little SOBs don't settle down!". A charming hybrid of Pee Wee's Large Marge and Chris Farley from Billy Madison. Come to think of it, it wasn't so long ago... Sadly, my Momma never became that bus driver, though yesterday's ride to work could've used her.
My new commute takes me up Dufferin, a reasonably safe route during daylight hours (after dark is anybody's game). Heading to work at 10:30am on a Tuesday, I never expected to find myself in an all-ladies- fight club, but that's where I was. Having perched myself in a prime spectator seat, I witnessed the following unfold:
1. The bus is full of the typical rag-tag group of business men and women, uniformed kids late for school, old ladies with push carts and me.
2. A beautiful Spanish looking 27ish year old; stands with her boyfriend, casually chatting. She's wearing a blazer with black jeans and camel coloured heels, hair tied up in a loose and romantic bun. She looks confident and collected. Hereafter referred to as Conchita.
3. In a stream of new riders, there is a woman- short, grey long stringy hair, acid wash-parachute pants, skin like a brown leather bag filled with cottage cheese. Hereafter referred to as the Crazy.
4. The Crazy is slinking towards the back of the bus, starring through the stringy hair hanging in front of her face, she zeroes in on Conchita. Within 2 stops of the Crazy getting on the bus; she is now standing next to Conchita; who is oblivious to being watched.
5. The PUNCH heard around the bus. The Crazy has launched a hay-maker which connects to the lower left jaw of the smiling Conchita- effectively shattering her social bubble and ruining her lipstick.
6. A stunned Conchita spins on her heels- scans the Crazy up and down, then flies into a blinding-white-hot Spanish rage! Flailing at the Crazy, driving her back into the arms of the 2 Sumo wrestler looking men seated behind her. Conchita, grabbing the Crazy by the collar of her dirty shirt, lands 3 solid closed fisted, skull rattling, lip splitting punches. Conchita's boyfried wraps his arms around her waist and lifts her up and back, which in effect frees all four extremities for retaliation. Arms and legs flying through the air, grasping at the Crazy with all her might.
7. The Crazy surprised by Conchita's passionate and tactical reaction; begins screaming over the bally-hoo; "She punched me in the face, that B*%$H punched my Effing face!" (expletives removed to protect my Momma's sensitive eyes) Conchita responding with; "Eff that! That Crazy B*%$H punched me first!"
8. Enter the frenzy-The Hipster with a b/w checkered shirt and white rimmed sun glasses; "Yo! She (pointing to the Crazy) did punch first! I got it all on tape." Holding up his smartphone triumphantly! (Ha, tape- a true hipster:))
9. The 2 Sumo wrestlers are now holding up the Crazy by the armpits- carrying her off the bus, her unlaced shoes barely touching on the floor. To which the bus driver asks dazedly; "Hey, what's going on?"
10. At the next stop the Crazy is thrown from the bus (like Momma from the train) and the cosmos that is the Dufferin blue line breathes a sigh of relief, while Conchita and her man watch the Hipster's video and re-tell the story.
Now, I am no stranger to street fights, or bus fights, or really just fighting... I don't fight of course, I am a flighter, but they seem to be attracted to me. So much so, that I have been honing my gift for the detailed re-telling, in case I am called upon as a witness. If my Momma were driving that bus, she would have snapped those two ladies into line real fast, but she would have punished the whole bus; that's how she rolls. If you can't play nice, then you can't play at all, it wasn't me though- That crazy B*%$H punched first, Hipster can prove it. So, I called my Papa to tell him, he loves a good story.
My new commute takes me up Dufferin, a reasonably safe route during daylight hours (after dark is anybody's game). Heading to work at 10:30am on a Tuesday, I never expected to find myself in an all-ladies- fight club, but that's where I was. Having perched myself in a prime spectator seat, I witnessed the following unfold:
1. The bus is full of the typical rag-tag group of business men and women, uniformed kids late for school, old ladies with push carts and me.
2. A beautiful Spanish looking 27ish year old; stands with her boyfriend, casually chatting. She's wearing a blazer with black jeans and camel coloured heels, hair tied up in a loose and romantic bun. She looks confident and collected. Hereafter referred to as Conchita.
3. In a stream of new riders, there is a woman- short, grey long stringy hair, acid wash-parachute pants, skin like a brown leather bag filled with cottage cheese. Hereafter referred to as the Crazy.
4. The Crazy is slinking towards the back of the bus, starring through the stringy hair hanging in front of her face, she zeroes in on Conchita. Within 2 stops of the Crazy getting on the bus; she is now standing next to Conchita; who is oblivious to being watched.
5. The PUNCH heard around the bus. The Crazy has launched a hay-maker which connects to the lower left jaw of the smiling Conchita- effectively shattering her social bubble and ruining her lipstick.
6. A stunned Conchita spins on her heels- scans the Crazy up and down, then flies into a blinding-white-hot Spanish rage! Flailing at the Crazy, driving her back into the arms of the 2 Sumo wrestler looking men seated behind her. Conchita, grabbing the Crazy by the collar of her dirty shirt, lands 3 solid closed fisted, skull rattling, lip splitting punches. Conchita's boyfried wraps his arms around her waist and lifts her up and back, which in effect frees all four extremities for retaliation. Arms and legs flying through the air, grasping at the Crazy with all her might.
7. The Crazy surprised by Conchita's passionate and tactical reaction; begins screaming over the bally-hoo; "She punched me in the face, that B*%$H punched my Effing face!" (expletives removed to protect my Momma's sensitive eyes) Conchita responding with; "Eff that! That Crazy B*%$H punched me first!"
8. Enter the frenzy-The Hipster with a b/w checkered shirt and white rimmed sun glasses; "Yo! She (pointing to the Crazy) did punch first! I got it all on tape." Holding up his smartphone triumphantly! (Ha, tape- a true hipster:))
9. The 2 Sumo wrestlers are now holding up the Crazy by the armpits- carrying her off the bus, her unlaced shoes barely touching on the floor. To which the bus driver asks dazedly; "Hey, what's going on?"
10. At the next stop the Crazy is thrown from the bus (like Momma from the train) and the cosmos that is the Dufferin blue line breathes a sigh of relief, while Conchita and her man watch the Hipster's video and re-tell the story.
Now, I am no stranger to street fights, or bus fights, or really just fighting... I don't fight of course, I am a flighter, but they seem to be attracted to me. So much so, that I have been honing my gift for the detailed re-telling, in case I am called upon as a witness. If my Momma were driving that bus, she would have snapped those two ladies into line real fast, but she would have punished the whole bus; that's how she rolls. If you can't play nice, then you can't play at all, it wasn't me though- That crazy B*%$H punched first, Hipster can prove it. So, I called my Papa to tell him, he loves a good story.
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